Merc For Hire
by Metropolis Kid
Summary: One-Shot. Still low on agents- following the events of Chapter 94 -the Vatican 'outsources' work to private mercenaries. But things are bound to get a little crazy with Deadpool on the job. Crack fic, but then... what isn't with Deadpool? Hope you enjoy.


**Merc For Hire**

**Disclaimer: **I don't own any material contained within this story. All copyrighted content remains the property of the person, people, or organization that holds the copyright. This story is solely for fun.

**AN:** I hope no one minds the 'forth wall' breaking. Dead Pool's kind of famous for it... In fact for awhile his comics came with the tagline, "Deadpool: Breaking down the fourth wall, brick by brick!" Also, since I'm terrible with accents, Heinkel is going to talk normally, despite this being set after Manga chapter 94.

* * *

***crunch*** "So, I guess you're all wondering what I'm doing here- standing in a church in the middle of the night, a nondescript gendered 'priest' by my side." ***crunch*** "Well I could tell you that I'm waiting for the new head of some secret Catholic division to bring me a suitcase full of money and tell me what he's hired me for... but the truth is it's all due to little plot bunnies and encouraging lions in the land." ***crunch***

Heinkel just couldn't take it anymore. She'd been dealing with Deadpool's insanity and flippant attitude for the last three hours, and she'd finally had enough. She turned to the red and black clad mercenary and nearly exploded, "Who are you talking to? We're the only two here!"

Deadpool cast a look over at the priest; and, although the full body mask made it impossible to see his face, it was obvious by the slightly smug tone tinging his raspy voice that the merc was smiling. "Why I'm just filling in the readers, of course. Like Stan Lee once said, 'Every comic is someone's first.' And we '_marvelous_' mercs always do a recap."

Heinkel just gaped at the man- her brow furrowed and eyes wide. "I'll never understand why the Arch Bishop hired you- You're completely insane!"

"Oh, that's an easy one," the man continued in his smug tone. "I may be insane... but I'm also very, very good." There was a slight squirting sound- the kind that came from an aerosol can. And then the merc held up a cheese topped cracker. "Here have a cracker," he said and shoved it towards Heinkel's mouth.

But the priest batted the merc's hand away- sending the cracker flying. She then quickly ripped the red box from his hand, threw it on the floor and ground it under her boot. "Show, some respect... We're in a Church!" The priest then looked up and saw the merc staring at her strangely. His eyes were filled with rage and held a terrible glint.

"Oh, you should NOT have done that," Deadpool said, and Heinkel gulped.

* * *

A half hour later, the new head of Section XIII- the Iscariots -entered the old church. He handed the mercenary a black suitcase, and Deadpool opened it up to check the contents.

"A hundred thousand, American- half now and half upon the job's completion... as we agreed," the Arch Bishop said.

"Yes, but I'm afraid my price has gone up."

"Outrageous! We had a deal!"

"That was before your priest trashed my box of Ritz. Now I'm adding another three dollars and fifty cents for a replacement box."

The Arch Bishop's face twisted into a look of utter shock. Surely the merc wasn't serious! What kind of a person who was getting paid $100,000 would quibble over a $3.50 box of crackers?! But Deadpool just held out his hand; and after a moment, the Arch Bishop fished around in his pocket and pulled out a five dollar bill. He handed it over.

Deadpool took out his wallet, inserted the five and then extracted $3.25. He handed the money back to the Arch Bishop- who still looked just as shocked as ever. "Half now... Half upon the Job's completion," Deadpool explained, as if only keeping a buck-seventy-five of his price raise was the most common, normal thing imaginable. "So, who's the target?" the merc continued when it became obvious that his employer had forgotten to tell him who's blood he'd be trading in for the cold, hard cash.

"Oh... yes... Ah, there's a folder in the top slot of the briefcase. In it you'll find a round-trip ticket to Dublin, Ireland and an address. Your targets are every unholy, undead thing at that address. Complete the cleansing and you'll be given the rest of your money."

"Okay, Boss... Works for me," Deadpool casually replied as he closed the briefcase and began to walk away.

"You... have your specialized weapons, of course- agent Wolfe didn't forget to give them to you?"

"Nah... I got them."

"By the way," The Arch Bishop half hollered as something clicked in his head. "Where is agent Wolfe? She was suppose to meet me here."

Deadpool simply pointed a finger upwards as he exited the church.

The Arch Bishop's brow furrowed; but as he looked up, realization dawned on his face. Heinkel Wolfe was tied to the highest rafters, struggling silently, her hair covered in cheese whiz and a dozen crumpled up crackers shoved in her mouth.

* * *

There was a wet, squishy sound as Deadpool's new, blessed, silver Katanas cut through the rotting body of yet another walking corpse. Then, there was a hissing sound and the crackling bang of gun fire as the rest of the zombies(?)... ghouls(?)... whatever opened fire on the merc. The rounds shredded the top of Deadpool's uniform, ripped through his cancer ridden body, and blood flowed out of the fresh wounds. But the merc seemed to regard the hail of gunfire as little more than a nuisance as he continued onwards, gutting the walking dead as he went.

It was then that a buxomy vampiress came around the corner, and there was a loud boom behind the merc. He turned just in time to see what looked like a large tank shell racing towards him. It was already too close to dodge, so the man merely lowered his swords and prepared himself for the agony that was about to come.

The shell exploded almost right on top of Deadpool and he felt his body eviscerated and thrown back. What was left, slumped helplessly to the floor, and the merc saw the living world fade before his eyes. From out of the darkness a figure appeared. It wore a deep blue robe and carried an oversized scythe in it's right hand. Deadpool's eyes lit up; and, beneath his mask, the merc used his last remaining physical strength to smile warmly at the figure as it stalked up to him.

The figure released its scythe, and the 'weapon' just hung there- suspended upright by some invisible force. Skeletal hands rose to grip the sides of a hood that no mortal could peer into and see anything, save complete darkness. And then, the hood came down to reveal the face of a pale, yet unquestionably beautiful woman.

She bent down; and her long, somewhat curly hair draped forward, flowing over a generous bosom, which- in the blink of an eye -had risen from a seemingly completely flat chest.

"_Death, my Angel."_ Deadpool's spirit cried out in apparent contented rapture as his body neither moved nor spoke. _"It's been too long... far too long."_

"_Yes, it has." _The figure's- no longer skeletal -hands rose to frame the dead merc's face. She kissed him gently through the soft, pliable material of his mask, and the two spirits stayed like that for a short while.

Seras had instinctively fired her personal 'tank turret' into the mass of decaying flesh before even realizing that one of the 'ghouls'- a red and black masked male -seemed to actually be killing the others. The shell had impacted in the center of the mass of grotesque figures, exploding and sending flaming silver shrapnel into them all, and then Seras had paused for a moment.

It was rare, though not unknown, to see ghouls fighting each other- usually over a fresh kill. But the one in the red and black mask seemed to be doing more damage than he should've been able to. Perhaps someone was experimenting again, and that thing was part of a newer, tougher breed of ghoul? Seras decided to recover a sample for Integra's lab boys to analyze.

Death broke the kiss, and began to pull back. _"The curse is taking over; your regeneration is activating again... I'm sorry, but I must go."_

"_No! Wait!"_ the merc pleaded.

"_I wish I could, my Love. But, I can't. You're returning to the land of the living,"_ the spirit replied, and Deadpool's eyes- which had been so bright a moment before -grew strangely dim. _"But do me a favor when you return,"_ the fading spirit requested. _"Slay all the other unholy creatures that elude my grasp! But, leave the Draculina alone. She serves my purposes better as she is."_ The sound of the voice grew distant then disappeared entirely, and Deadpool was roughly jerked fully back to the land of the living.

Seras was reaching into the exposed chest cavity of the strange 'ghoul' when something happened that made her gasp in shock. It grabbed her! The previously 'dead' ghoul reached over, grabbed her arm and pulled it out of his chest! And then, just as Seras was starting to recover from the 'redead' 'undead' monster's revitalization, she got an even bigger shock. It spoke!!!

"Are you a Draculina?" the hooded thing asked in a very raspy yet understandable voice. Too surprised to do anything else, Seras simply nodded. "$!%%," the voice swore. "That means I can't kill you," it continued.

"Wh-what are you?" Seras asked, finally finding her voice.

"Name's Deadpool, and I'm a merc Section XIII hired to... 'cleanse' this place."

Seras seemed to be more on guard after hearing mention of Section XIII . But she still gave the self proclaimed 'merc' the benefit of the doubt. "The Iscariots hired you... and you're not going to try to kill me, why?"

Deadpool moaned as he rose to his feet- his body still not fully healed. "Death asked me to leave you alone."

"Death?"

"Oh... Fun girl- life of the party... so to speak."

Seras just eyed the man strangely. "So... if you're not going to kill me... and we're both here for the same reason- cleansing this place... any interest in, you know, teaming up? Should make things go faster."

Deadpool shrugged. "Just so long as you don't expect a cut of my pay."

* * *

A half hour later, the buildings had been fully swept; and Seras stepped outside. She found Integra already waiting for her. "Status report, Officer Victoria."

"All targets have been silenced, Sir."

"Really? That fast? Impressive."

If Seras were not a vampire, she would've blushed from the compliment given by her strict boss. "Well... I had some help," the vampiress admitted as she pointed at the still bear chested man walking out of the nearby doorway.

Integra's head turned, and the cigar fell right out of her mouth. The knight just couldn't believe what she saw and quickly turned back on Seras. "You... you created a ghoul?"

"Oh come on," Deadpool replied, sounding slightly put out. "Do I really look THAT hideous?"

"It... It talks?!" Integra exclaimed.

"Yeah, _it_ talks... _It_ also cuts and shoots, so how about a little less gawking?"

Integra's eyes narrowed- she obviously wasn't pleased by the thinly veiled threat... However, given that even she recognized she was being a little rude (since that horrible looking thing actually seemed to be a living person), she let it go... mostly. "Alright, so if you're not a ghoul... what are you?"

"He's a mercenary," Seras answered helpfully. "The Iscariots hired him."

"Really? So Section XIII's numbers are still so low that they're forced to 'outsource' to private 'contractors'?" Integra's lip curled ever so slightly. Obviously she was pleased by the news.

"Awfully high and mighty for someone who jumped at Pip's Wild Geese to fill in her own roster after the V-bros attack."

"H-How do you know that?" Seras asked.

"What, you think I don't read Hirano's work?"

"Who?"

Deadpool sighed. "Oh, just forget about it. Though, I have been meaning to ask you something..." The merc pointed a thumb at Integra as he continued, "Who put the stick up her butt?"

"**What?!!!**" Integra exclaimed and quickly advanced on the merc. She spun him around- her eyes practically aflame with blue fire. "How dare you?" she growled menacingly.

"Seriously," Deadpool replied without the slightest trace of fear. "Throughout all ten plus volumes, I can't remember one time where you laughed."

"I am Sir Integral Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing- head of her Majesty's best equipped, most highly trained organization.** I.** Don't. Laugh."

Deadpool's eyes flashed mischievously. "I'll bet I can make you laugh." So saying, he quickly began to tickle the lady knight's body- sending her into an uncontrollable fit of laughter. "See, isn't this more fun?"

"I... Oh... I'm going to- to kill you! Y-you are... s-so dead!" Integra managed to choke out in between bursts of laughter and gasps for breath.

"Yeah... promises, promises," Deadpool replied.

And Seras just shifted uncomfortably, trying her best (and mostly falling) to keep from giggling at the unexpected (yet highly amusing) sight of her uptight boss rolling on the ground and laughing like a little child as a hideously deformed mercenary tickled her sides.

* * *

(Well, what did you think? Please review and let me know if you liked it, thanks.

Have a good day, and God bless.

Metropolis Kid.)


End file.
